


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 162

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [17]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 22:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6396328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After liberating Luke and Beru from the clutches of Jabba the Hutt, our favorite hermit is forced to make a tough decision regarding love and the state of the galaxy. Plus, Owen drinks from a toilet, and a dead Jedi pops in for a visit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 162

When we last left our hero, Obi-Wan had captured the rancor, Boba lost a leg, Jabba lost two Gamorrean guards, and Luke and Beru finally gained their freedom. 

 

TATOOINE - Day 162:

As we cruised across the Dune Sea, the gentle night breeze filled me with a new sense of hope. Luke slept curled up in Beru's arms, and she had her hand resting comfortably on mine. In this present moment all was right with the galaxy. 

When we first made our getaway from Jabba's Palace we had an excited burst of conversation. Beru told me all about her kidnapping and how she was treated fairly for the three days Jabba had held her prisoner. I asked a dozen or so questions about the metallic bikini. Even though our conversation died down as quickly as it started, it took my erection quite a bit longer to follow suit. 

As Beru drifted off to sleep she removed her hand from mine. Without the skin on skin contact my mind moved to her words, and they began to haunt me. For three days she was held by Jabba. That was three days that Luke was out of my care and in constant danger. This scenario could have ended in a completely different manner. 

If I failed my mission to protect Luke and he was killed, Palpatine and Vader may have ended up enslaving the galaxy forever. I risked everything in order to play hide the lightsaber with someone else's wife. What an old fool I've become. 

I need to stay on target. I need to stay away from the Lars family. There is too much temptation there, and it seems like the more contact I have with them the greater the risk to Luke's safety. I must continue to hide in the shadows and protect Luke from afar. 

Less than a year ago I was a general in The Clone Wars. Every day was a new adventure. Now all I have to look forward to is the constant heat of the twin suns making me sweat my twin balls off. And I can't forget the blue milk, disgusting swill. I must have really fucked up in a previous life to get sentenced to twenty years on Tatooine. No wait, it was this life I fucked up in by letting my best friend turn into the galaxy's biggest douchebag. I deserve all the wampa shit that has been heaped upon me. 

"Did we just pass your hut?" Beru was awake and sounded concerned. 

I was so deep in thought that I had made up my mind about Beru without even being fully aware that I had. "I'm sorry, Beru." I could not meet her gaze. "I'm bringing you and Luke back to Owen's home. You two are not safe with me."

"Oh," was all she said. We rode the rest of the way in silence. 

For the second time in three days the Lars homestead was dark and appeared abandoned. Then I remembered that I had left Owen locked in a room, a room that he originally imprisoned Beru in when trying to keep her away from me. She had turned the tables on Owen and had locked him in there instead. That would have made it a total of five days he was in there. If that dumbass couldn't figure out how to get out of a locked room within five days, then he deserved to die. 

Beru must have been thinking the same thing because she suddenly exclaimed, "Owen! I left him locked up!"

Exiting the landspeeder, I carried Luke while Beru ran ahead to check on Owen. The lucky bastard was still alive but completely malnourished and dehydrated. His face was badly bruised from the beating Beru administered to him. He crawled out of the room and in a dry, scratchy voice begged for water. Since the vaporators hadn't been maintained they had shut down automatically. As a result, there was no water coming out of the faucets. In a desperate move, Owen began drinking out of the toilet. Beru wailed and apologized to him repeatedly, kissing the back of his head as he slurped up the toilet water. 

I let my curiosity get the best of me and asked, "Owen, how did you survive without water?"

He stopped lapping up the water long enough to say, "After the third day I was forced to drink my urine." Then he screamed, "I...DRANK...MY...URINE!" His voice made a cool echo from his head hanging over the toilet. 

I was on the verge of feeling sorry for the pathetic bastard when he demanded, "Get out of here Kenobi! Get the hell out!"

“Ok, asshole,” I muttered under my breath. 

I placed Luke next to Beru and Owen on the bathroom floor. As I left their home I could hear Beru confessing her love for Owen and swearing to never leave him again. Well that settles that, I guess. 

I left the landspeeder for Owen, to replace the one the Tuskens had stolen, and I walked home. 

Sitting on the floor of my hut I began to meditate. I was desperate for guidance, so I spoke to my former Master. "Qui-Gon? Please Master, I need your help. I have lost my way and do not know how to proceed."

For only the second time in my 162 days stuck on this dust ball I heard his voice. "Obi-Wan, you are doing fine."


End file.
